STEVEN CROPPER - do not cross this lad. Extremely dangerous, pyschopathic maniac who'll stop at NOTHING if he feels the need to break your legs - or maybe even kill you.

Nicknamed - "Cropper the Stopper."

MARK NELLIST - another VERY dangerous human. He's a fiery gingernut with a temper second-to-none. Not a very good player - but one hell of a tackler.

Nicknamed - "The Ginger-Whinger or Rinho."

(THIS LAD NOW HAS BEEN RE-NAMED TO - "I'M SHIT AND MISSED TWO PENALTIES GINGER TWAT!")

GREG SNOWDEN - big, strong, ugly, smelly and born in Wollagong Australia. Can drink 15 pints of stella, and then turn up for football, start a fight, join in the fight, kick in a few heads - and then go home with yet another fine.

Nicknamed - "Fat Aussie Twat."

BIG JEFF - probably THE most violent man in the team. Seems quiet, calm and bald - but trust me, 12 years in prison for manslaughter & 4 years for armed robbery, doesn't make you a reformed character. Beware of this man.

Nicknamed "Big Bald Jeff" or "Serial Sheep Shagger."

GAZ SNOWDEN - what can i say about this one? Not much good at football - but the best player for starting trouble. Lethal when sneaking up behind you.

Nicknamed "The Pimp."

DAVE - second name not released as this lad is still on the run from prison. Absolute maniac. Would fight Mike Tyson with his hand stuck up his own arse, while shagging a sheep. Please don't upset this lad.

Nicknamed "Wock Eyes."

WAYNE - this lad has serious social problems. Namely, if you say "Hiya mate!" he'll probably smash your face in. If you say "Got the time please mate?" he'll probably stab you in thee neck! Nice lad you see - 26 stone of pure flab, a neck like a cross-dressing-coon.

Nicknamed "Big Bald Sumo" or "Big, Bald Elephant-man."

OGGY - now this poor bastard couldn't hit a barn door with a 12 foot goldfish! Has to be THE worst striker on mars. But dangerous this boy is. Oggy grew up as a mis-understood transvestite on a very rough estate. He says he is a woman born into a man's body, (debatable!) and regulary has PMT - which is when this 'tranny' becomes quite uncontrollable, every 4 weeks Oggy has to kill a lesbian to satisfy his lust for being a woman.

Nicknamed Foghorn Leghorn.